It’s been an odd few weeks….
I’ve been thinking about death. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about how I talk about it, and how I connect with myself and those around me in the presence of dying. And that leads me to thinking about how the sense of a right to grief can get complicated. I live in an epoch where deep and intimate relationships can be built with people I’ve rarely or never even met, but this doesn’t mean the pain can’t catch me out.
I blame Juliet – her writing about Rachael Bland’s death took me straight back to when Lisa died almost five years ago. And that inevitably made me think about Barbie again, without whom it’s entirely possible I might not be doing some of the things I am doing now.
And this makes me think of Marie, someone else I’ve never met (and who is very much alive, I should add). Marie is an incredible, thoughtful, nurturing woman who touches the lives of so many of us, and even though I hardly ever even write or connect with her these days, somehow she is always there in the background, silently supporting and egging me on. How she does this for so many of us I will never know, she is simply amazing and I will never tire of telling her so.
Of course if I’m in this frame of mind, it’s impossible not to ponder that gloriously joined up fuckedyfuckedy of moments that is my life. People I love in a thousand different ways come and go, but every now and again serendipity throws someone in my path and I go all tingly because I know they are going to be important somehow. They are changemakers, and they are here for a reason.
There’s been a few of these again lately.
Which if history is anything to go by, means change is in the wind. Don’t ask me what, I’ll be the last to know! And don’t worry if I’m making little sense again – it’s an entirely normal state of affairs. This is what it’s like to live in my head – the good days are messy and random, the rest – well, you get weird shit like this.
At least I’m writing again…. 🙂