Enough

I am angry, so very angry.
I cannot fix this, fix you.
I weep, bitterly.

You want to die.
You say that your life is a failure, no longer worth living.
You want it all to end.

You say you see the irony, that I,
I, try so hard to live and you,
you want so much to die.

You say your life is pointless,
That you get nothing out of it,
And you might as well be dead.

You say you will work out how to do it soon.
And you are very sorry.
But you really want to die.

WELL GO AHEAD THEN!
I scream in my head, these words we must not even think.
I cannnot stop you.

But do you think its only you?
Did you think we wouldn’t care, that you wouldn’t matter?
I am so tired of this dance.

Are you waiting for me to rescue you?
Do you think I can save you?
Catch you when you call?

I fall with you, do you not know that?
But I am I, and I am not finished here.
And I will rise.

As you tumble once more into the abyss,
My fingers grip the edge of the yawning chasm
And inch by cursed inch, I rise.

But you are not really done, are you?
You think you want death, and yet
You are not ready to die.

Your own strong legs land you.
Your face turns once more to the sunlight
As arm goes over bloodied arm, upwards.

“I believe in Angels
Something good in everything I see”
I believe in you.

Isn’t that enough?

Happy day with Princess in Hargate Forest, 2012

Happy day with Princess in Hargate Forest, 2012

My husband was diagnosed with severe depression earlier this year after two breakdowns and a suicide attempt. He is currently suffering another major depressive episode. We don’t live together but he remains an important part of my world, he is loved and we all want him well.

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9 thoughts on “Enough

  1. Dear Sarah,
    I came across this post while reading Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer and I wanted to commend you for your strength. I have been suffering from major depressive disorder since I was a teenager, and through experience I know it is as painful and difficult to deal with for loved ones as it is for the one with depression. It took ten years of trying different meds, seeing different doctors and therapists, and digging to the depths of my soul to survive and now, to thrive. I suppose my fiance might have better advice for you, as he stuck by me through intensive out-patient treatment and also some in-patient hospital treatment. I imagine he has felt what you described here and it breaks my heart, for anyone in that position. I hope that, like me, your husband will find his way to the light, and once again see all that he has to live for.
    Best Wishes,
    Abigail

    Like

    • Dear Abigail, thank,you so much for your kindness and honesty – it helps me more than you can know. I am trying so hard to learn how to process all this, and I want so much for him to be well and find peace. So much has happened. Please stay safe in your own journey x

      Like

  2. dear sarah,

    I am so very sorry for what you are going through; seeing your husband on the precipice, and the overwhelming feelings of helplessness. this poem, these words – I cannot even comprehend the depths from which they come. I will send you and your husband all the light I can muster to shine brightly through the universe to help you both find your way.

    Karen, TC

    Like

  3. Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

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